Newsletter May 2017

Catches, entertainment and news from Thailand’s only exclusive syndicated sport-fishing venue

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Welcome once again to the Jurassic Mountain newsletter that gives you all the news, gossip, catch reports and light hearted anglers antics that relates to this exclusive Thailand fishing paradise for the month of May. A big thanks indeed are extended to all the new faces and returning guests who succumbed to the gravitational pull of our 'extreme fishing gem.' It was our pleasure to welcome you all to Jurassic Mountain Resort and Fishing Park.


Wow! Was May hot or what? We had fabulous weather for most of the month and even in this sometimes almost unbearable heat which caused the inevitable major thunderstorms and some welcome prolonged spells of rain, the anglers still turned up in their droves to begin their Jurassic Mountain experience. Now normally, when the temperatures are up there nudging the forties (in the shade), some species of fish seem to excel in the heat whist others will not and invariably it will put them off their feed sufficiently enough so that a slower day can be expected. Not quite so this month I’m pleased to say. Although we still had a few anglers whose one day’s fishing was not the most productive they’d ever had in their lives, the majority of them all caught more than their fair share including Andrew Fell, a UK expat now living ‘down under’ who got his just rewards by working his nuts off on the waggler to land 19 carp to over eighty pounds in a one day session culminating in a total of 42 in number for his 3 day stint and I’m also pleased to say with some other anglers fulfilling their dreams here by hooking and landing the fish of their lifetimes. You’ll see their beaming mugshots as you read on.

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A perfect sunset brought the curtain down on April as the new month of May began here at Jurassic.

 

This months "Why do we? Question.

‘ WHY DO WE SET A 10 ANGLER LIMIT ON OUR FISHERY, WHEN SWIMS TOTAL 17 IN NUMBER?’


We have reached this decision for various reasons and although it would be easy and of course much more lucrative to throw open our doors to obtain maximum capacity whenever possible, we have reached the ten swim limit decision based on the following.

 

We obviously want our anglers to achieve the best results possible but filling every swim on a regular basis would eventually see an over fished lake resulting in lower catch rates overall. Therefore a ten swim limit ensures that everybody stands a better than average chance of enjoying a fruitful and enjoyable session here at the Mountain.
Of equal importance, with a number of swims being left vacant, it also provides the angler with an opportunity to change swims if he so wishes and also helps to ensure that each angler has his own expanse of water in front of him undisturbed by other anglers in the vicinity.


Looking to the future when our lake is extended further, we may raise the swim limit by a couple or so but until such time, our ten swim limit will remain in force which not only increases your chances of catching the fish of your dreams here but also ensures that Jurassic Mountain maintains the quality factor that it has become world renowned for.


Obviously we apologise to those who find that we are full on their particular dates so we respectfully suggest that you book early to confirm your Jurassic Mountain experience and to avoid the disappointment of missing out on a visit to our exclusive anglers paradise that’s set here in beautiful Thailand.

 

Right, now back to May's guests. Big John Atkins from just outside London in Hemel Hempstead is a larger than life twenty odd stone character who is a very frequent visitor to Jurassic Mountain and was actually one of the first anglers ever to fish on the lake when it opened. Big John’s claim to fame at Jurassic has nothing to do with angling however but more to do with the fact that he holds the record set in The Anglers Rest for sinking the most pints of Draught Chang in a single session. Known locally as ‘rocket fuel,’ I’ve witnessed draught Chang see off more than it’s fair share of drinkers in the past but John just seems immune to the stuff. Twenty bloody two pints of it I believe it was he sunk in one session and after swallowing the last one in three gulps, Big John walked back to his suite as straight as a dye for an earlyish night so as to get up for the fishing……...and he bloody did! Christ knows how many he’d have drunk if he weren’t fishing. The whole bloody barrel I reckon and that’s not all! Guess what happened to him in the first class lounge at Heathrow? They refused to serve him any more because he was going through their stock of bottles of Stella like they were going out of fashion. Big John was not amused at this devastating news but to be fair, he’d swallowed two cases of the stuff and was showing no signs of letting up before they called time on him. However, all’s well that ended well when John convinced them that he was still as sober as a judge because they reluctantly allowed him a couple for the road or in this case ‘the air’ and John boarded the plane in high spirits and no doubt in readiness to demolish whatever stock of beer was in the drinks trolley. If ever you find yourself on the same plane as John, best you get your beer order in quick!


Also, it seems these big beer drinkers breed ‘em big as well because if the size of Big John’s son is anything to go by, he can most probably outdrink his dad! Six foot eight, size eighteen shoe and hands like ten pound of bloody pork sausages! Must have been born in a growbag! John also informed me that that two other members of the family are even bigger when in his Cockney accent he said, ‘Two of my wife’s six brothers are over seven foot’ but I misheard him and thought he said two of my wife’s six brothers are ‘omasexual. I must remember to get my hearing checked before it lands me in trouble.


Anyway, one afternoon, Big John was sitting in his nice comfy anglers chair having dozed off in the heat no doubt dreaming of that first pint of Chang that wouldn’t be touching the bloody sides when all of a sudden he felt something licking his toe. Slowly opening one eye expecting to see my Alfie who’d come round to say hello but he soon opened the other one when he saw Monty the monitor lizard instead who was giving him a reminder that it was his feeding time and a nice fresh mackerel wouldn’t go amiss. John almost shit himself as he shot out of that chair like Apollo and Monty, obviously alarmed by Big John’s shriek of terror, had it on his toes sharpish but not as sharpish as John who decided that an early visit to The Anglers Rest for a much needed drink was top priority. Any excuse it seems!

 

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My Alfie keeps a watchful eye but at a safe distance as Monty goes for his afternoon stroll.

I need to give a special mention for our Jurassic Mountain resident, Wayne Metcalfe. Wayne was outside the resort when he found one of the many stray dogs that frequent Thailand lying in the road that had evidently been hit by a car and was in much distress. Well it turned out to be a lucky day for this dog being found by Wayne because whether it was just an old mongrel stray or not, Wayne carted it down to the vets and spent over two hundred quid on it nursing it back to good health. Now that’s what you call an animal lover, full credit and respect to you Wayne. Talking of dogs, it reminds me of a story about my own dog. The police knocked on my door one morning and said they’d received a complaint that my dog was terrorising the postman by chasing him on his bike.
‘Can’t be my dog” I said.
‘Why not?’ asked the police
I answered ‘My dog ain’t got a bike!’

 

We get some right characters here at Jurassic and here’s a true story about one that you might find amusing. Attached to every sala is a dispenser that holds an antiseptic spray for treating any hook wounds that the fish might suffer and this stuff is like a deep purple dye. If you get it on your hands it’s a devil’s own job to get it off and it takes ages to do so along with a fair bit of scrubbing.


Well, we had one Russian fella here on a one day stint who’s name I couldn’t pronounce let alone spell, so for the sake of this story, I’ll call him Vladimir. Now, once Vlad got himself sorted in his sala, he decided to soak up a bit of the Thai sunshine but mistakenly thought that the dispensers contents were sun tan oil. Are you sure Vlad? I know that Jurassic give great value for money but at least buy your own suncream!


So there’s Vlad thinking that this was just another one of Jurassic’s customary goodwill gestures and he promptly smothered his face with a couple of liberal handfuls of it. What a plonker! Apparently he spent the rest of his holiday looking like he’d gone to a fancy dress party dressed as an aubergine but at least he experienced a purple patch during his visit here although not quite in the manner that he would have wanted. As you can imagine, all anglers present here that day had a good laugh over it, in fact those who witnessed Vladimir ‘Putin’ that crap all over his face were in absolute bloody hysterics! Sorry about the ‘Putin’ crack, I just couldn’t resist it!

With regard to our photo competition, don’t forget to send in your photographs so that they can be entered in the ‘best shot of the year’ which will see one lucky winner receive an all expenses paid, fully inclusive one week fishing holiday here at Jurassic Mountain. Email them to eddy@jurassicfishingthailand.com for consideration of publication on facebook and within the newsletter and it could well be you winning this fabulous prize.

OK, let's now take a light hearted look at some of the antics of a selection of anglers who graced Jurassic Mountain for the month of May. My apologies are extended to those who visited us and who didn't get a mention, it's nothing personal, there's just far too many of you for me to keep up with. Here goes ....

Our anglers photo of the month is of Perry Noakes and that’s him in the main newsletter photo releasing yet another Siamese carp after a hard fought battle. Perry is based in Singapore which is only a short flight from Bangkok and therefore Perry is a frequent visitor and grabs every opportunity available to visit us at ‘The Mountain.’
Perry’s sole ambition is to land a treble figure carp which to date has unfortunately eluded him. He’s been very close with carp in the net to ninety odd pounds but the magical 100 plus remains an unfulfilled dream.
So you can imagine Perry’s delight when on the morning of May 1st he hooked into a monster Siamese carp that was closer to the 200 than the ton and after about 45 minutes of muscle wrenching action he’d drawn an audience as the whole lake downed their rods to witness Perry finally land the fish that he’d yearned for all his life. A few more minutes of action eventually saw the fish at the point of being ready for the net when all of a sudden…..disaster! The giant Siamese carp being within a couple of metres of tantalising touching distance spat the hook and all Perry had to show for his efforts were a few commiseratory pats on the back from all those who’d just witnessed the very highs and the very lows of angling in the space of just one take. Unlucky Perry, keep trying mate, you’ll get there in the end and if you combine your efforts with Jurassic Mountain as your chosen venue….. I can guarantee it!

 

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Smile for the camera!

Chris French (above) is a UK match angler and fishing coach and it didn’t take him long to get amongst the carp at Jurassic Mountain although he discovered that they tend to be far livelier than their UK counterparts.

Richard from Flitwick near Milton Keynes (below) was the victim of a terrible car accident that has left him almost completely paralysed. His two best mates, Mick and Paul brought Richard to Jurassic to do what he loves to do best ….. and that’s fishing. First fish up for Richard was a nice Indian carp and with a little help from his mates was able to get into the water for the photo that I’m sure meant so much to him. Evidently this was the first time that Richard had been immersed in water for almost ten years and a truly touching and moving moment it was for all who witnessed the scene.

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Richard holds his Indian carp with a little help and a whole lot of support from best pals Mick and Paul.

 

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When Richard got into a Siamese, I was only too pleased to jump in and lend a helping hand for his photo.
 

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Christoffer from Norway realised his lifetime ambition when this arapaima picked up his bait.
 

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John from Scotland finished off his marathon fishing holiday here by landing this fine Pacu which was yet another species added to his list of captures

Thomas on a fishing holiday with his father was soon off the mark with this chunky Amazon redtail catfish.
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Paul from Bristol struck lucky on his first day of ten when he got into the carp straightaway. Eleven more soon followed.

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And then things got even better for Paul when he landed this superb triple figure Siamese carp from swim 3 totalling over 100 fish in all in his 10 day visit. Wow!
 

You can always rely on a bit of sport from the Amazon redtails as Lim on a day trip from Bangkok soon found out.

Mick took a break from landing the carp when this arapaima took the bait just as the sun was going down at the end of another very productive day.

 

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For crying out loud?

You’ve obviously heard of crocodile tears and now you’re going to hear a new one …. Arapaima tears!
Russell from Chertsey in the UK (top middle) was so overcome at landing the fish of his lifetime after a dogged seventy five minute scrap, he was almost overcome with emotion. The sight of this huge fish nestling safely in the landing cage and the realisation that he’d actually caught the fish that he’d waited years to catch was too much for Russell to take and he unashamedly had tears of joy in his eyes. I can honestly say that I get tremendous pleasure out of witnessing anglers like Russell achieve their lifetimes ambitions here at Jurassic Mountain, in fact more pleasure than if I’d actually caught this cracking fish myself. Well done indeed Russell, your happiness was shared by everybody present.
 

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And Russell’s mate Clive wasn’t to be outdone when he got in on the arapaima act too.

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Sun’s up! Time to go fishing!

A new dawn breaks over the lake to herald another day here in paradise and when the sun eventually goes down to end the day at Jurassic Mountain, it doesn’t mean it’s the end of your day too. Night fishing sessions are available upon request……. If you can tear yourself away from The Anglers Rest!

 

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Not satisfied with landing that fine arapaima, Clive got himself a cracking Siamese carp too. If he’d never caught another fish in the duration of his stay here he would have still been happy but of course that didn’t happen for Clive as he proceeded to land plenty more fish which made sure that his trip to Jurassic Mountain would be one that would remain long in his memory.

 

Congratulations are extended to Peter who is about to become the proud father of a new baby daughter. We’re unsure as to what weight she’ll be tipping the scales at but we’re pretty certain that she’ll be nowhere near the weight of Peter’s first Siamese carp that he landed during his sneaky little visit here whilst on his way to the birth.

Barry from Northants is back in Thailand looking for a suitable venue for his forthcoming wedding to his lovely Thai girlfriend and they stopped by here on their way down to checking out Krabi and to get a bit of decent fishing in first.
Well he certainly got that - now we hope he finds a decent place to get himself hooked.

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Ian arrived with his parents Tim and Sue. His dad is going to be a hard act to follow because he’s landed Siamese carp to 180 lbs on a previous visit. However, quite unfazed by this daunting target set by dad, Ian soon got himself into the carp which hopefully was the prelude for better things to come and come they certainly did.

A fabulous triple figure makes for the perfect father and son photo for Ian and Tim.
Having experienced the sheer power of these fish, carp fishing back in the UK will never be quite the same again for Ian and thoughts of a return trip to Jurassic are no doubt already firmly in mind.

Ian’s parents Tim and Sue share a magical moment together when posing for the photo with this nice Siamese which although was nowhere near the weight of the 180 pounder that Tim landed on his last visit, it was just one of many that he landed and which still gave Tim a great scrap nonetheless.

 

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Take a good look at the above photo. Peter from Essex proudly displays his personal best Siamese carp but to save any confusion and for the benefit of those who are well aware that there’s quite a few people in Essex who look just like the fella on the right ….. That’s Peter on the left !

 

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Gary back with a bang!

 

It was good to see the return of Jurassic resident and special friend, Gary Smock who’s based fairly locally down in Singapore. Gary arrived with wife Denise and it wasn’t long at all before he displayed his angling prowess by landing the first carp of his visit and It’s a good job he did really seeing that Denise had shown a non too impressed Gary exactly how it’s done when she landed an absolute beauty on her own last year. However, peace and harmony did prevail in the Smock household although evidently not before Denise had picked up all the toys that had been aimed out of Gary’s pram.


It’s Gary’s 50th birthday bash in December and he’s invited myself and Neti down to Singapore to help him celebrate it with quite a few Singapore slings no doubt. Thanks Gary, wouldn’t miss it for the world mate!

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He's still at large.

 

The Grim reaper story continues. I would love the above photo to be of the giant carp that’s been dubbed ‘The Grim Reaper’ but as it’s still at large and as yet uncaught, we’ll have to make do with the next best thing. This elusive brute whose claim to fame is breaking the will of numerous anglers who’ve had the misfortune of hooking into him for hours on end before losing him is sometimes seen breaking the surface in a turbulent boil of water only to disappear once more until the next time he decides to show himself.


Below is a reminder of Jake Casson’s marathon struggle with this carp that made headlines around the fishing world. One day somebody is going to land this beast and their name will be immortalised forever in Jurassic Mountain history. Will it be you?

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Gary Smock introduces yet another species to the Jurassic Mountain lake in the form of this very nice albino pacu which weighed in at a shade over 18 lbs.

He’s still here! Richard extended his 10 day holiday to over three weeks and it’ll take more than being wheelchair bound to stop this guy from getting into the fish.

Not only did Dave celebrate his birthday here, he also celebrated getting stuck into the fish including this nice Amazon redtail.


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stunning 66 lb alligator gar is one of two introduced to the Jurassic lake this month that will bolster the ever growing population of this particular species.

This is Bob who was pleased to see his mate Peter get his PB carp but even more pleased when he landed this fine arapaima of his own.

And another one joins the fray. This newly introduced pacu weighed in at a very healthy 28 lb 8 ounces and will be a welcome catch for those who land him….. Once Gary can bear to let it go!

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A day to remember for Dez.

Sometimes, only a one day visit to Jurassic will result in a great day’s fishing whereas on another day, the fish might be in ‘hide and seek’ mode and as the angler only has a day to experience what Jurassic has to offer, he has no chance to redeem himself if this is the case. Therefore it’s best not to pass judgment on any fishery after only a one day’s fishing because tomorrow is another day and could very easily be the red letter day that every angler hopes for.
However, there was no such problem for Dez on a day visit from Bangkok because not only did he strike lucky by landing seven quality carp during his one day stint, he also landed this beauty estimated to be in the 80-85 lb bracket too.
 

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Peek-a-boo! Mick seems to have difficulty in lifting and looking over the top of this beauty but seeing as this fish was accurately weighed on it’s last appearance at just over 185 pounds, you maybe can understand why.

 

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Jake ‘The Snake’ Casson shows why he’s one of the favourites for the Jurassic carp challenge competition .

Jake Casson was the unlucky angler who endured that twelve hour fight with the carp dubbed ‘The grim reaper’ and he returned once again to continue in his quest to hook and this time hopefully land this brute of a fish. Sadly Jake wasn’t destined to make acquaintance with this particular carp this time around but thirteen carp to eighty pounds during his two day stint certainly kept him busy enough anyway.

 

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Lee has lived and fished all over Thailand for 12 years and he gave us a great accolade on his first ever visit here by saying that Jurassic Mountain is by far his favourite venue yet. Cheers Lee

Lee’s better half is Nit and she likes nothing better than joining in and showing that it’s not only the guys who can land the carp here at Jurassic Mountain.
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Gary’s one day visit started off pretty slow but lunchtime onwards saw the Siamese carp and the Amazon redtails go on the feed and subsequently into Gary’s net.
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Wayne dropped in whilst visiting Bangkok and his smile confirmed it wasn’t a bad decision to do so..

Not a bad start for Tony from Surrey who arrived with his wife and two young sons Albert and Arthur. Love the names!
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Tommy (or is it Dave?) from Preston gets close up and personal with this redtail during his first ever visit to Jurassic Mountain.

 

 

 

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A fish breaks surface as the sun goes down in this fabulous competition entry photograph.

 

Thanks to all of those who’ve sent in their photos for entry into our best photo of the year competition. The above shot was taken by twice time visitor to Jurassic Mountain, Bruvver John from the UK and was among the first that we received.  Please keep sending your best photos and not only will you get your best shots posted on our Facebook page, it might just be yours that wins the fabulous prize of an all inclusive, all expenses paid holiday in our little piece of paradise over here in Thailand.

 

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Jurassic makes The Angling Times - again!

 

I’m pleased to announce that once again Jurassic has taken centre stage in one of the UK’s favourite fishing editorials, The Angling Times. As usual it’s a great read and also a great advert for our little slice of paradise here in Thailand and a big vote of thanks are extended to one of the UK’s most prolific specimen hunters and respected journalists Martin Bowler for his continued support. Without doubt, Martin’s contribution to the Jurassic Mountain dream has been a major factor in our meteoric rise.  We look forward to welcoming the UK's No1 All round Specimen Hunter back to the mountain very soon.
 

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Carp, carp and yet more carp. From left to right, Bangkok based Matthias proudly shows off this carp with his son. Expat Andrew based in Australia on yet another visit to his favourite fishery where he landed 42 fish in his 3 day stint and Chinese angler Yong breaks through the magical 100 lb barrier here at Jurassic with an absolute beauty. It’s definitely a carp anglers delight alright.
 

FINALLY


Seeing that I like to keep you informed about the alternative destinations to be discovered here in Thailand, I’d like to share with you my experience of travelling to Chiang-mai up in the north of the country by the overnight train from Bangkok. If you’re considering using this mode of transport when you’re in Thailand, you might think twice after you’ve read this.

‘Fancy going to Chiang Mai?’ I suggested to my at the time current girlfriend named Natch (no comments please) and as trips go, this one will certainly remain long in my memory.
So Natch and I found ourselves in the back of a Tuk Tuk driven at the normal break neck speed by a Thai lunatic en route to Bangkok train station to catch the overnight rattler to Chiang Mai …… Never again!
Thirteen very long mind numbing hours it took to get there! I’d have had more fun on the train to bloody Auschwitz! At one stage we were going so slow, we got overtaken by a couple of kids on pushbikes with one particular snotty nosed little git who seemed to take great delight in giving me the finger as my mournful face stared at him through the grubby train window.

Our cabin which I had booked as ‘upper class’ consisted of four bunks with plastic curtains. God only knows what the standard cabins were like. I suspect on the bloody roof! We took the top two bunks and hoped the bottom two would stay empty. No such luck. They were taken by a weird looking couple aged about 90 and they spent all night snoring and farting. God knows what they’d been eating because they stunk the bloody place out. Sleep was impossible and after what seemed like hours, I’d had enough. ‘Bollocks to this’ I said as I climbed out of my bunk to the sight of an old wrinkled arse that looked like a dried prune peeping out from under one of the curtains below and, with a blinding headache due to the smell and lack of sleep, I left Natch sleeping oblivious to the stench that surrounded her and I walked out of the gas chamber and headed for the ‘restaurant‘ carriage.

I walked along the narrow corridor through 3 or 4 overcrowded carriages full of sleeping, snoring and no doubt farting Thai’s and the noise coming from the door in front of me told me that I’d found the restaurant car. Anticipating relaxing with a nice cold beer and maybe even a sandwich, I opened the door to what can only be described as a smoke filled opium den. The place was crammed full of Thai’s and they were mostly all drunk. The Thai music was up to full blast and empty bottles of whisky and beer were all over the shop. Every man (and there were only men) were all staring at me as if I’d just arrived from Mars and I felt like Sammy Davis Jnr who’d just stumbled into a Ku Klux Klan meeting. One particular mean looking bastard who was obviously a mass murderer had a scarred face like a London road map and was obviously losing at the card game that my entrance had just interrupted because he was eyeing me up and down as if to assess what part of my anatomy he was going to stick the nine inch blade that every discerning Thai ‘hit man’ carries.
The last time I saw someone with a face like that was in a pub in South East London many years ago where I made myself look a right dipstick when I casually enquired ‘How did that happen mate?’
Swallowing the remnants of his pint he answered ‘The Falklands’,
My patriotic pride kicked in and I said, ‘Full respect to you son, have another pint on me’.
I knew I’d done a wrong ‘un when he smiled and said ‘Muchos Gracias Amigo’.

Anyway, back to the train and literally fearing for my life, I grabbed a quick beer and with ‘Scarface’ keeping one eye on his obvious crap hand of cards and the other one on me, I quickly backed out of there and found an empty carriage which had just been vacated to sit in.

After five or so minutes I realised I was being bitten and when I looked closely, the cabin was running alive with bloody fleas. Dozens of ’em! The dogs hairs all over the place told me that the previous occupants had obviously brought their flea ridden pet (or dinner) along for the ride.
Scratching myself like crazy I went back to my own cabin to find that the two farting machines had thankfully got off at the previous stop and and we carried on with the remainder of the journey which was pretty uneventful apart from the frequent fifteen minute stops for no apparent reason and the odd commotion made by Thai’s that had been up all night getting ‘rat arsed’ on the trains stock of whisky.

About 10 am the next morning we arrived in Chiang Mai and I literally crawled off that flea ridden, stinking ex Japanese troop carrier and it was all I could do to stop myself from kissing the bloody platform!

We were picked up outside Chiang Mai station by the fattest Thai taxi driver I’d ever seen. This guy was huge and had more chins than a Hong Kong phone book.
During the journey in this cab which was now being driven on a 45 degree angle, I asked him to recommend a good restaurant and he not only gave me the name but unprompted, called the restaurant to make e a reservation for us for that evening. ‘How nice of him’ I thought unaware at the time that he’d only be sending us to a restaurant that gave him the biggest kick back in commision anyway.

We checked into our hotel which surprisingly was rather nice except for the strange sign that the owner, who bore a striking resemblance to Ho Chi Minh had displayed above the reception desk.
It read ‘ PLEASE BE IN HOTEL BED BEFORE I AM ‘
Strange sign that was I thought ‘ Be in bed before you are?’ but I was informed by Ho Chi that it actually meant before ONE am.
We were shown to our room by the little porter. When he smiled he had teeth like a row of bombed houses but he seemed a happy enough bloke especially when I gave him a 100 baht tip (£2) which I was later to find out was pretty close to his total daily wage.
The room was clean and tidy enough but to say it was small was an understatement because my first impressions were that I’d been given the keys to the broom cupboard but the well needed shower quickly dispelled all the negatives and I collapsed into a much needed sleep.

We were collected that evening by our now self appointed Sumo wrestler guide and was driven through the old city and finally stopped at a narrow Soi (Thai for street) which was situated between two massage parlours.
‘Down there on the light’ said Sumo pointing down to the right. ‘They wait for you and you will have nice time because this good lestalont , I eat here all time.’
I got out of the cab and silently muttered ‘I bet you do you fat git , eight times a day I should think’ and ignoring the girls in the massage parlours who were desperately trying to pull us inside for a massage although one of them was an absolute stunner with amazing long legs and a great pair of …..
Er, sorry about that, started getting off the subject, where was I ? Oh yeah…. We wandered down the dark narrow Soi to be confronted by a dimly lit ‘restaurant’ up on the first floor and eight members of staff all dressed up in traditional Chiang mai costume were lined up either side of the large open staircase leading up to it. If it hadn’t been for this welcoming committee , I’d have turned tail and gone somewhere else but they were all grinning at me and beckoning us up so up we went.

As we climbed the stairs each member bowed and gave us the Sawadee Krap Thai greeting and we entered the ‘restaurant.’
‘What the bloody hell is this?’ I said as we entered an extremely large empty room with a stage that had old velvet curtains. All it needed was a piano in the corner and I’d have been back in my primary school assembly hall.
‘Where’s the restaurant then?’ I asked Natch who was looking as confused as a blind lesbian in a fish market.
Before she could answer, a large rug which had more food stains on it than a Mcdonalds floor after the pubs have kicked out was produced and placed in the middle of the room and we were beckoned to sit down on it. Finding an area of the mat that had escaped the previous occupants food fight and feeling totally bewildered, down we sat.
Two menus were produced and we sat there like two spare pricks at a wedding in the middle of this extremely large room on a rug that needed throwing in the skip but with a beautiful waitress complete with traditional Chiang Mai costume standing almost to attention in each corner waiting to attend to our every need. My need was to do a quick U turn and get on my bloody bike out of there but we were way past the point of no return.
I settled for an ice cold beer as there was no air con, just a very large fan that looked like there was a hundred years of collected dust on each blade and which sounded like a Chinook helicopter on its last legs. We ordered two beers and an assortment of dishes and sat there looking at each other.
God knows when they last had a customer because they all seemed thrilled to bits that we had decided to dine at their place. Different little faces kept appearing inquisitively around the door as if to say ‘We finally got two mugs’ and I was deeply regretting asking Sumo for his recommendation.
The drinks arrived followed by the food and it was actually pretty good except that a couple of dishes were similar to eating molten lava.
Then some really weird music shattered the silence and the show started. Back came the curtains and a group of girls in weird costumes began a Thai dance which obviously meant a lot to them because they all had these big fixed grins like Cheshire Cats as they performed it. It was about as entertaining as watching a bloody potato bake. When they’d finished, the sound of only two people clapping was quite weird and quite frankly, bloody embarrassing. This act was followed by a couple of guys playing some weird instruments which sounded like a strangled cat and two or three more very mundane acts of sorts were performed including during one where a rat made a bolt for it across the stage that didn’t even warrant a second glance from the performers.
I quickly downed a few more beers and then came the finale where four guys in two dragon suits pranced around as if they’d just had the world’s finest cocaine fix to yet more weird music which by now sounded like two bloody cats getting strangled and, apart from keeping my eye out for that rat, it was all I could do to stop myself from going into hysterics!

Almost two very long hours this whole thing went on for and by the end of it I’d lost the will to live. I didn’t have the heart to walk out halfway through because they all seemed genuinely happy that they were putting on a show for us in which they assumed we were riveted by. The only thing I had riveted was my eyes looking out for that bloody rat!

Finally Buddah must have answered my silent prayers and at last the show ended and the bill was produced …………. fifteen quid! And that included about ten beers!
I paid the bill leaving a substantial tip for their efforts and left the ‘restaurant’ to the same procedure that we had when we had entered. Eight of ’em all lined up down the staircase bowing to us as we descended. A very strange experience indeed and not a restaurant that I would recommend and I very much doubt a restaurant that you’d find in any Egon Ronay guide. However, if ever you find yourself in Chiang Mai and you fancy wasting three hours of your life or finding a good enough reason to string yourself up …you’d love this place!

The next day we decided to visit the tiger sanctuary and on arrival they made me sign a form unaware at the time that this was an indemnity so that the sanctuary bore no responsibility if the tiger we were about to visit decided that he didn’t like the look of us and proceeded to rip us to pieces.
They gave us a choice of stroking the baby tigers or the adults and unaware of any hidden danger of possibly being torn to shreds, I opted for the Mum and Dad.
I was led into a compound where two huge, mean, hungry looking striped monsters were laying together and I automatically thought of that trivial pursuit question ‘ Who entered the tiger’s cage and came out alive?’ No, I don’t know either but the logical answer is… The bloody tiger!
I was instructed in very broken English not to approach them from the front but to very slowly make my way behind them and position myself between their extremely large striped backsides.
That’s when it hit me. The flashback of the form that I signed with gay abandon suddenly descended on me with the realisation of what it actually was and I almost crapped myself. These monsters were nearly three metres long and I reckon weighed almost half a ton each. One of ’em was eyeing me up as if I was a fifteen stone pork chop and I tried desperately not to make eye contact with it. That must have been the quickest photo shoot ever. The grimace of a smile that I was wearing was through clenched teeth and I was up and out of there in about ten seconds flat.

Nothing too exciting occurred in the remaining time spent in Chiang Mai except that Sumo recommended a temple that was well worth a visit. I must have known better than to take his advice and should’ve headed straight for the nearest bar because although this temple was indeed spectacular, you had to climb over five hundred bloody steps to get to it and by the time we reached the top I was close to collapse. We were that high up my ears were popping and the worst part was that you couldn’t even get a beer when you reached it. The monks that live there evidently go up and down those ‘Apples and Pears’ up to six times a day and I can’t help but think why on earth would you want to be a monk let alone one who lives at the top of Thailand’s equivalent of Mount Everest. Still, each to his own!

As for Chiang Mai? Well, it’s a fantastic old city and if you like temples it’s right up your Soi but for my liking it’s too far from the beach (there ain’t one) and it definitely weren’t worth that bloody train journey but the flight back to Bangkok and on to the comparative luxury of Jurassic Mountain was very nice indeed thank you very much!

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Fancy going to Chiang mai? Flying is the best option!

Well that’s it for this month except that I’d like to thank you for taking the time to read this newsletter and I sincerely hope that it tempts you to sample the delights that Jurassic Mountain has to offer. Hopefully we’ll have the pleasure of your company in the future where you might just realise your dreams and catch the fish of your lifetime. However, in the event that the fishing gods decree that the monster fish lurking in the murky depths eludes you on the day, at least you’ll return home safe in the knowledge that you’ve just fished at what is widely considered to be Thailand’s number one and most exclusive fishing resort and the closest place resembling paradise that you could ever imagine possible.

 

TIGHT LINES, SEE YOU ALL ON HERE NEXT MONTH.